Please note this column is PG-13 and may contain some language that is not suitable for children or the easily offended.
My Home Theater Is Better Than Anything, Ever - I have to admit, I never thought anything could look and sound this good. It has gone through many incarnations but finally I have achieved "Home Theater Nirvana". I don't mean to boast, but sitting in the movie theater pales in comparison to sitting on the groove in my couch surrounded by crisp vibrant sound, dazzled by 1080 lines of resolution and hey, the popcorn is free.
The Picture In The Theater Is Terrible - Though the digital theater revolution is coming (if George Lucas has anything to say about it) movies on film today look just like that- movies on film. There are scratch marks, artifacts, scene change cues all distracting from your viewing experience. Any fast motion on screen appears as if Dad is quick panning for the first time with the Handy-cam he got on Christmas morning. As technology changes and Dad gets his steady-hand cam so should the theater industry upgrade to digital technology.
What Am I Paying For? - The moment I pay, mostly, upwards of $10 per ticket. I am bombarded with advertising. At the concession stand I am reminded that coke is a necessary compliment to my Sno-Caps and Ju-Ju-bees ($6.50 each). The moment I sit down I am entertained, once again sponsored by coke, to some trivia and the occasional still advertisement to get my degree in clerical forensics from International Continental Bipolar University. Then the lights go down and I am greeted by, more advertising. Not even previews of movies I don't want to see but advertisements I might see on TV. Even before the movie starts the theater has recouped the cost of my keister being in their uncomfortable seat. Speaking of which...
What's the deal with those seats? - Sitting in a movie theater seat is like being bumped from first class, to coach, to that little seat the stewardess sits in during take off and landing. Just enough seat cushioning to make it through the previews before you encouraged to go to the lobby for some dancing peanut butter cups ($6.50). Want to adjust positions? Sure, though the 17 year old usher has never used the letters WD and the number 40 together in a sentence so prepare for squeaking louder than Flipper being deprived of a trout head. Not to mention all the other people adjusting their positions at the same time which erupts into a chorus of cheeps and chirps the likes of which haven't been heard since the R2-D2 family reunion.
Give Me One Reason Not To Strangle You... - Teenage girl next to me, who, this is a true story, not only allowed her cell phone to ring during Star Wars Episode 3, but answered it and carried on a conversation. "I don't know some movie about space... its sooo boring...what are you doing later?" Or woman behind me at Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King who pondered outloud "Why do they like that ring? It dosen't even have a diamond." Or the staple group of young gentleman who congregate in the back of the theater to speak of anything besides what is on screen. Seriously, what did YOU guys pay the $10 for?
Lines, Lines, Lines - There is a line to get your tickets, a line to give your ticket to the usher, a line at the concession stand, a line for the bathroom, and sometimes if the movie is big a line to get into the theater. Don't forget the line of cars in the mass exodus from the parking lot after the movie is over. The last person to do this many lines was Johnny Depp in movie Blow. Speaking of Lines...
The line between movies and TV is growing narrower everyday -
Recent television shows have taken advantage of advances in technology and talent to churn out some primetime gems that are rivaling anything seen in the movies. Think Lost, 24, Prison Break just to name a few. All of these would make fantastic movies. Yet they are far BETTER as television shows. Throw in an HDTV signal and the experience you get at home for "free" cannot be beat.
I Don't Have Three Hours to Spend Watching Your Masterpiece -
There ought to be a law capping movies around the two hour mark. Anything more and the seats, the talking, the product placement, and the usually less than thrilling action happening on screen becomes frivolous. I was more bored during the last hour of King Kong than Yoda was meditating for 20 years in a swamp. A movie lasting more than 3 hours is like those warnings on Viagra. While it may be a pleasurable experience for a while it gets rather annoying as the hours upon hours pass.
I Have A Great Home Theater -
Yup, I am back to my Home Theater. It is truly awesome. Take everything that is great about movies, put it on my wall in crystal clear High Definition. Pump it though my 6.1 surround system – and get this I can sit there in my underwear ( I highly recommend this) Gone are all the distractions. Just me and the movie. Nirvana.
Eric English, Owner, Podcaster Eric English, has loved movies ever since he was a little Jedi master. Though he mainly enjoys comedies such as The Big Lebowski, and Old School his taste in movies spans a wide genre of film. Holding a degree in Computer Science and Digital Arts - including work in 3D modeling - Eric is constantly facsinated by what they can put on the screen, and looks toward the future of film with anticipation and wonder. Eric's pride and joy is his home theater system which boasts a Panasonic Plasma TV with a Harmon Kardon 6.1 surround system.
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